What up? 😅 Sheesh I haven't written a blog in about 3 or 4 years. Let me tell you, a lot has happened and some of that will be shared at some point. However, today is about my damn feelings. I have always had a difficult time dealing with and sorting out my feelings. Well, I truly believe life happens in cycles and something has come back around to bite me in the ass. It isn't a bad thing, it's just something I've been guided to reflect upon.
Long short, one of my gamer friends and I had a real ass conversation for the first time.... ever really. She opened up to me like most people do. This was some real ass talk. Long short and for the sake of her privacy, she had her heart broken. I know that feeling all too well. To my surprise, I found myself more and more intrigued with her as she shared more. Why? Is it because she is a gamer? Is it because she is a woman? Is it because I am thirsty? Is it because I can relate? Is it because you see her as vulnerable? None of that. It was because of the strength she showed and her mindset.
If you have been keeping up with the "Social Media" relationship streets lately, you would know that men and women in the black community are just at odds when it comes to dating. The narrative being pushed is a man has to basically be set up and willing, and able to take full care of a woman. Alternatively, he needs to be a certain height, make a certain amount, so on and so forth. As for the women, you have to have a low body count, be able to support and bring a man peace, be in shape, and know your place. Real gender role heavy stuff. It is all over the place. What I have come to understand is that the question " What do you bring to the table?" triggers people and a lot of the responses boil down to more superficial things that can actually fade or change quite fast. Many of the conversations exclude the qualities of the actual person like their mentality, ability to hold a conversation, their temperament, how they treat you, and their outlook on life.
Ok so now you have context on what I had been seeing lately. Back to her. 😌. She seemed to fall into that rare category of woman who looks at the man and who he is first and foremost. It has been 10 or more years since I've really heard a woman speak this way and actually mean it. Deadass I went back and read my own blog because this felt "familiar". This is why reflection is so important. So yeah, it intrigued me. I made sure the conversation wasn't one sided and I shared my own experiences of course. One thing that I truly wanted her to know is that heartbreaks changes a person. I have lost myself and found myself less open and more detached from my feelings as a defense mechanism. Although you should learn from your mistakes and protect yourself, you don't want to lose the very essence of who you are to your core. She is just a sweet and kind person who has worked hard to get to where she is and I didn't want her to feel like all that work was in vein. I think she got the message and now only time will tell as she continues on her healing journey.
Ight so y'all might judge me but I really don't care. This is therapeutic for me and I need to let this all out. She fucked my head up in a good way. I was not expecting this at all. So, she is into astrology and card reading. I have never really taken a deep dive into all of that, but again I was intrigued so I asked her for a reading. (Disclaimer: There was nothing demonic or "Evil" about this experience). All she needed was my birthdate, where I was born and the time. This is where she fucked me up. She texted me some things about what is called my "Chart" and some of my "Placements". I googled some of it and found it to be surprisingly accurate. Not in a coincidental type of way. In a " Wow I can name multiple situations in great detail that align with this." type of way. She also noted that we had some similarities which I made a mental note of myself.
So now my head is all over the place. Her calm and soothing nature mixed with our conversation just reignited something in me that had just been dormant for quite some time. The hopeless romantic in me lol. Man listen I thought it was dead and gone and I began to mostly go by logic vs what I am feeling which is quite the task let me tell you. As a human, we are going to feel things and we should acknowledge our feelings. This was a moment in time when I realized I needed to rebalance myself.
Now during this time, real shit, I became infatuated with her. Not in an unhealthy stalker type of way, but in a "I want to know more about you." kind of way. I feel like she was speaking to my very being ( she actually was) and was taking the time to look inside of me. That's when I had to pump my brakes. I was having a "feeling overload". I felt special, unique, and the attention was intoxicating and I loved it all. My thoughts were running wild and I honestly wasn’t trying to stop them. I even played out what a life with her would be like in my head. Yeah, my feelings had taken over completely and I was enjoying that feeling. Some of you know what that is like. It took a few days, but I came back down to reality. She did for me what she does for others when it comes to reading, and there is nothing that indicates personal interest when it comes to that. Yes it felt good, but I had to realign my feelings and logic with one another and see things for what they were.
My previous experiences with misinterpreting things in life came in handy with this situation. Early on in my life I wouldn't make any moves whatsoever and I missed out. I was hoping they would just "Feel" or "Understand" the way I felt about them. Then I overcorrected myself and began to make moves too soon based on infatuation without taking the time to get to know them better. That always ended in disappointment because when reality set it, I wasn't as interested as I thought, or visa versa. Over the years I learned to balance it, but since I have been single for a while, I guess I needed this all to happen as sort of a tune up. I do want to start dating again soon and I need to have my thoughts and feelings in check.
Back to her again.😉 So when we caught up and had another conversation about my chart, shit got extremely deep. I mean extremely. She spoke to me about some of the themes in my life that I had been dealing with, my personality traits, and the way I interpret things. Basically 100% accurate which was surprising and a bit eye opening. In between her breaking down my chart and my placements we were having personal conversations about experiences, and once again my damn feelings were taking over. Our shared experiences mixed with our overlapping chart placements were giving me that " She might be the one" feeling. (Hopeless Romantic). So once again I had to give myself a reality check. Other than the fact that we were sharing personal experience and commonalities, we weren't on that type of time. Again that relatability, attention, and her soothing nature just got to me again Sheesh.
So where am I today? Today I am much more balanced. As I said earlier this was a place I have been before, but it has been quite some time since I've been here. I felt "Seen" and "Understood" and for me that equals love, but it is not an indication of anything romantic per say. That's what my experiences have taught me. I needed this and didn't even know I did. Learning to open myself back up and allowing myself to to "feel" more is important. It's what makes me feel alive and in touch with what is going on around me. I just have to remember that it's normal. I also have to remember to balance my feelings with logic or reality.
As for her..... I am still drawn to her because of her mindset and our conversations. The wild infatuation is dying down and I can see things more clearly and I am able to manage my thoughts and feelings much better. One thing that I know I will have to deal with is making a decision. She is clearly hurting, healing, and processing everything. I am still making decisions on what's next for me professionally, personally, and romantically. The timing of all of this is perfectly imperfect. Maybe we connected like this just for me to rebalance myself. Maybe I am just meant to be a safe space of comfort for her like I am for many others. Maybe there is potential for something more for us in the future as we get to know one another. Maybe I am overthinking everything and I just need to let it all happen. I don't know. What I do know is, I am thankful for this experience and the growth that will come from it.
So.... yeah this is what has occupied my mind over the last 2 weeks. It brought me back here. My blog. My safe haven. My thoughts and feelings in black and white. My very own reflection. Taking a look at myself and traveling down this road of thoughts feelings and experiences has reminded me of how far I've come in this life.
Love, Peace, and Blessings