My mind will not stop racing. It is taking me down so many paths right now that I can’t keep up. Careers, moving, gaming, Pass the Peaz, love, my health, food, wanting to be asleep right now, friends, family etc etc….
I think I’m actually starting to zero in on things that trigger this. When I’m excited, faced with major decisions, stressed and/or in an emotional state I can’t shut my mind off. Right now it is definitely the emotions. Go back and read the previous blog. How do I know? Well, I’m literally sifting through my thoughts and they are kinda highlighting themselves if that makes sense. Nothing really happened per say, but ever since my emotions have been tapped back into on this level, I’ve been trying to figure out how to manage it.
I feel like I’m feeling everything right now. It’s like a sensory overload. All I want to do is control it, but right now, I can’t. It is too damn much. At the same time, it makes me feel alive if that makes sense. It also serves as a reminder of where my empathy for others comes from. People love to say “ I understand “ or “ I feel you” but do they really or better yet have ever really? Shit do they truly care? I say that because as someone who has suppressed their emotions, I’m guilty of saying those things and while I may know the feeling, I can’t say that I’ve always cared. This brings me back to my emotions and my issue with the lack of control.
I believe things happen for a reason and this is no different, the problem is my mind is trying to answer too many questions at once. Things like. “ Why did you bury your emotions in the first place? What about this recent new connection caused you to be triggered to this magnitude? Is triggered the right word? How do you truly feel? Why now? What am I supposed to learn from this? Why do I crave so much conversation with her?” I could go on but you get it.
See for me, the connections matter because I am also a believer in logic and reasoning. The problem is feelings/emotions don’t always make sense and trying to always link it to something logical or reasonable is uhhh….. a challenge. For now I know this. Writing things out like this helps. It helps because I don’t know to convert this into a conversation and I don’t want someone trying to rationalize my thoughts for me because I wouldn’t take them seriously because how would they know?
Wow so, I wrote the last paragraph before I wrote this part… I think I have the answer as to why I buried my emotions. Hell I’ve said it out loud but in a different way. “ When I get into relationships, I put thing things I’ve been working on on the back burner and prioritize the relationship “ Well none of those relationships have worked out thus far and every time one ends, I find myself hitting a hard reset. Having to continuously start from 0. But I love women so when someone of interest comes along, I explore the opportunity. That’s when I tend to let my feelings override things. I guess over the years I tried to correct myself by burying them to nullify the urge to be with someone and focus on myself instead. Over-correction…..
In this very moment, the word BALANCE comes to mind. That seems to be a theme for me this year. Also MINDFULNESS. The truth of the matter is, I’ve always put others before myself hence why I end up with, from my perspective, less than in the end. The other truth is I can have that connection/relationship and pursue the things I want with the right partner. That’s what I need to keep at the forefront of my mind. There should be a balance of “ These are my personal goals and priorities and these are my relationship goals and priorities.” I think I’m a simple person, but maybe I’m more complex than I thought. When it comes to being mindful I need to remember to ask myself this.; “ Is she taking the time to get to know, love, support, and accept Robert Wilson Jr for who he is to his core?” Yeah this recent connection struck that nerve in all the best ways and maybe that enlightenment is what I needed. I know this isn’t the only reason why I likely buried my emotions, but I guess since this new connection involves a woman this one stands out.
So… once again this blog is serving it’s purpose as an outlet for me to just be. Imperfections, insecurities, confusion, discomfort, openness, and feelings and all.
Peace, Love and Balance
Rob